it's almost been a year...!?

wow. i cannot believe how time has flown since graduating this past may! following graduation, i spent the month of june in one of the most beautiful places i've ever been- holland, michigan- for a contract of Lippa's The Wild Party. although it was a brief process, there are memories and people that have found a special place in my heart! you know the friendship is serious when they ask you to completely read them to filth through their astrology charts.

when i returned to my hometown in july, i found myself a bit stumped. of course, i was submitting to projects every day, filming self tapes and callbacks when prompted, and even going on a day trip to chicago for an audition accompanied by my wonderful, endlessly supportive mother, but overall, i felt like i had no control over my life. like i was directionless. and anyone who knows me personally, would know that's very odd for me (shout out to my virgo sun!!).

i had ideas of what i wanted to do- i could see myself moving to chicago, to the twin cities, or nyc, but i had no clue how to do any of that and where to even start. i was constantly making jokes about how there needed to be a manual on how to do all these grown up, post graduation... THINGS. and honestly, i still feel that way, but maybe school is the most structured environment people have.

when i was younger, i had this (FALSE!) idea of what adulthood looked like- a 9-5 job you just had to hate, traffic jams, stale white cubicles, and a break room with burnt black coffee in a rickety vintage pot. i blame this view on the spongebob episode "doing time" montage about adult life (here's a link if you need a reminder on this reference! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ck0su859Ps).

i know it's strange, since i had only just got out of school, but i had such a big fear of this cycle infiltrating and becoming my life. i felt claustrophobic, and as odd as it sounds, it was like a ticking clock was inside of my head, and every day that passed, i felt like i was losing precious time and failing at something i didn't even know how to do yet. so i did all i could at the time: looking at facebook groups for nyc housing. i did that, along with submitting for projects for about another month, but never got far enough to lock anything down.

then, in early august, my brother told me about another actor he met briefly was looking for someone to sublease his room while he was on contract out of state. from there, it all happened so quickly, but within just a few days, i had started packing all my essentials. right as i was booking my one-way flight to lga, my mom looked at me serious and said, "are you sure about this? if it feels too rushed, you can still back out now." i remember this moment richly- i took a deep, slightly shaking breath, and said "i have to. if i think about it too hard, i won't do it. if i don't do this now, maybe i won't ever."

that is just SO dramatic! i know! but even as a chronic overthinker, type A, anxiety-riddled, control-freak virgo, i knew that i would only get in my own way if i stopped and thought too hard.

as soon as i muted that part of brain, i knew this was the right decision for me. i felt like i had regained some control and though the future looked blurry, from so many different possible next steps, i was actually excited for what was next! i knew that it would be an uphill battle- a nonunion actor with no representation and with little to no connections in the city.

as daunting as it feels, i try to remind myself every single day to not wish time away. this is such a unique part of my life. i'm in a city just under a thousand miles away from my hometown, freshly graduated, with only a handful of people in the city that have known me before moving. every time i find myself getting overwhelmed by the loneliness or the overstimulation of this place (5 cars have honked outside my apartment just writing this sentence ALONE), i remind myself of how my 13 year old, 17 year old, and even 21 year old self would feel. even just being here in the first place is a dream. i can't even imagine how they would react if i told them they would book the first audition they did (I KNOW it's insane!!!! i'm a lucky girl!!!!!), the shows they've seen, the iconic studios they've auditioned in, the callbacks they've received, and the people they will get to meet and work with!

i've been here since august 28th, meaning i've been here for about seven and half months. some days i feel like the future has an endless possibilities and some days i feel like i'm collecting dust. no matter how i'm feeling, i constant remind myself being here is such a privilege. the job i have is a privilege. to even just pursue these shows and be in this field is a privilege.

okay, i think i've yapped enough to make up for the eleven months of silence. thank you, if you've read this far! i know this got a bit vulnerable, but i'm attempting to think about myself as something beyond a packaged product!

closing thoughts!

• being an adult is way more unstructured than what some may think

• 22 is a baby. 25 is a baby. 30 is a baby. 35 is a baby. you are never too late to your own life.

• overthinking and second-guessing yourself can be more detrimental than making the "wrong" decision

• being cheesy and cringe can be the cure to being miserable

alright, bye bye!

-k <3